TENTH

I won't cry because I'm a big girl now :). I need to be strong so that I won't easily cry   in the future when someone hurts me. It will end up hurting me but I won't cry anymore. People's expectation makes my day cloudy and I feel so weak because of it. It's going to be okay. I know :). and it hurts. but wtv I feel stronger now.

NINTH

Good Morning.

So he updated something and idk why I care so much. I kept on wanting to ask him what's wrong but I won't. It will only makes me look quiet easy to be used. Then, I chose to just keep quiet and will only observe it from afar.

That's why I don't want to have any relationships while studying. I'm afraid I won't be able to focus and idk the right way in balancing my love life and study life. It's the best for me to not have any relationship for this time being because I know myself.

Let's just say I have a boyfriend, yang I tau kalau gaduh ke apa, my perfomance will get low seriously. that's why I don't want to have a bf rn. it's too risky.

EIGHT

I'm jealous of her. Why do you have to love her so much? Why can't you open up to me before you met her? Why should I be jealous when you actually have nothing?

Those questions keep on running inside my head and it seems like it will be hard for me to get rid of.

Am I still in love with you?
To be very honest, I don't have an answer for that question. I don't understand myself.

I keep on asking myself why am I not good enough?

But it's okay I know I will find the right one sooner or later. it's better to not find anyone now, to not get hurt now, to now have a broken heart now.

InsyaAllah I know I will get to forget him jugak nanti. It just takes some times and I know it will be worth it.

I will pass all my exams with flying colours insyaAllah.

SEVENTH

Life can be unfair sometimes for everyone but not me. Life keeps on being so unfair towards me. I'm not a priority. I'm just someone that can easily be used.

Things keep on getting hard and I'm becoming more emotional day by day. People keep on taking advantages on me and I won't be appreciated.

I will get used to this. I will go far away from here and might not be back regularly. I've did my best but it seems like people will never appreciate my presence. Dying sounds great but I won't be able to bear all my sins in this world. still need to improve my iman & my devotion towards Allah.

I know it's hard. very hard. Feels like seeing a psychiatrist or counsellors so that I can let go of things that is acting as a burden. I love my life but I don't think people love me. so I'll need to love myself and I will be selfish. I don't feel like giving people my attention anymore.

I can change. and I will change. I won't be the same person anymore. Don't beg me to be myself again because I'm done. so done. I'm not happy by being myself because that's how life is. it will get harder each day & it depends on those person that's trying to overcome those obstacles.

As for me, It's better for me to just do what I love and move on.

I shouldn't care about people's feelings anymore because I'm too tired to do that.

Bye.

SIXTH

How we first started talking to each other?

Both of us started talking to each other to ask questions actually. he asked me bila kelas ictl adik dia on fb chat and starting from that day kitorang start. every 11 am and 11 pm i'll wait for him to talk to him and so on. 

On the same year, I did a lot of things. I put chocolates inside his bag, I love to walk behind him every single day. I will run very fastly to catch up if I didn't get to see him. I can see him from afar. I know how he walks, smile, talks, laughs and so on. I did a lot on that year. And in the end, he knew I was the one who kept putting chocolates inside his bag and he turned cold. He suddenly hates me. I was so upset but idk what to do. I was only 13 at that time. Lastly, we drifted apart.......

The next year, I already had a boyfriend at that time but feelings can't lie. I was still in love with him but I didn't realized that it was love. I thought I just liked him. We started chatting on fb. AGAIN. but I knew him very well. He's not the type of guy who was well aware about a girl's feelings. so.. he treated me like shit but idc. I started entering my class late because I wanted to look at him. I just want to look. not more than that. Things were getting complicated when my boyfriend started to get mad when he knew that I'm still looking for that guy. I was so blind haha. I still look for him. I started fighting & arguing with my boyfriend. I kept on stating that 'HE WAS JUST MY FREAKING CRUSH SO WHATS THE BIG DEAL HERE' and my bf goes calm again. and we're okay until I stopped talking to that tall guy. I started to have issues with my bf also. and we broke up for awhile........ and we got back together. 

The next year, I was doing quite great with my boyfriend even though I think our love were fading away slowly without our knowing. Day by day, suddenly I started chatting with that tall guy again. I know it wasn't a good step but..... idk my hands were feeling like typing to him. and we talked to each other. Then, I can't remember what I said exactly. I think I was telling him that I still got a crush on him. and guess what? hahahahah he told me he also likes me. wth? I was freaking happy and I giggled like a stupid girl. I told my boyfriend on the exact same day, I want to breakup with him. lol! It was so funny. I though I was the happiest & saddest girl in the world on that day.  The next day, he told me that he doesn't like me that much. just a little. lol lol! I was stupid. He played with my feelings again. and actually tbh I didn't breakup with my bf mostly because of him. no. He was just apart of the reason why I broke up with him. The MAIN reason was because he doesn't realized that he don't love me anymore. and I was the jerk for breaking it off. lels. Ok so back to that guy's story. Yeap. I still won't give up. I stayed. I was patiently waiting for him to treat me softly & kindly.  TBH, I'm not lying at all. He kept giving me false hopes but idk whether he realized it or not. He just gave those fake hopes. He wished me on my birthday, he asked for my number and so on. I didn't tell any of my friends about that. It's only between me & him because my friends won't trust me. and... he walked beside my class. And guess what everyone? he asked me to wait for him. to freaking wait for him. so I did wait for him and he didn't come to me pun. so it was just lie. Everything about both of us were fake. And we stopped again. but I still won't give up.

 

One year after that, I was 16 and he was 17. He will sit for SPM this year and I was so worried & won't stop hoping. We were no longer close. I deleted every single thing and we still talk to each other. sometimes. One day, he was involved in an accident and my friend pm me to inform me regarding the accident. you know what? I cried. so badly. I was so worried even though he doesn't even know that I still care. After a few months, we started fasting & Aildil Fitri was getting closer. Our school were going to celebrate Eid Day. Everyone was so excited to pick what kind of attire they were going to wear on that day. So I chose to wear a blue black baju kurung with a pink wide shawl and it was ew(I know)   and my friends helped me to call him. I wanted to take a picture with him. and we did. I was so shy and he was laughing awkwardly. Yeap it was so awkward(!!) hahaha.  I did that because that year will be the last year for us to celebrate eid day together. He will leave me eventually because he doesn't want to stay.    

And he........... left. and I can't stop....... crying because I miss him.

I survived from not seeing him, looking at him, contacting him, listening to his voice.

It was the SPM result day. I was so excited to see him. He was so gorgeous. I feel happy to look at the face that I've been missing and longing for.  Not so long after that, I have lessons to learn. so.... I entered my classroom and I just watched him while walking away.... And the most stupid part on that day is I cried. so heavily. I was so sad because I knew I won't be able to see him anymore. can only see him through social medias.       

We didn't contact each other for so long. A very long time. And after a few months, I found out that he already has a girlfriend. wow just wow. the world is so fair. ha!  I feel like I was being lied to. right on my face. how could you do this to me? (Ailee's song was playing inside my head) But I know I'm strong enough to not lose focus and hope. so I just distant myself to be happy. maybe. 

Woah I wrote it so long. till I post again.

Bye!   

 

FIFTH

Let's start the story by telling how he looks like and so on..

I won't reveal his name but I will give some details regarding how tall he is, how good looking he is and moreeee. He is 1 year older than me and was a senior at my primary and secondary school. He is very tall(1.86m) and a very good-looking guy(TO ME). He is skinny and his weight in high school was about 54 kg or something. Yup I know it's weird because I knew his height and weight. It's because we were so close and quite happy to be each other's friends(BUT NOT FOR ME OBVIOUSLY). He plays football and was a goalkeeper of our secondary school. He has a brother who's actually a friend of mine and was my classmate for about 3 years and he's quite close with me and he knew that i liked his brother but he doesn't know that I STILL like his elder brother. 

I was so in love with him during my school days. He was the only guy who reached my heart but sadly, I didn't reach his heart💔. 

FOURTH

So yup. Idk why aku akan rasa macam quite happy bila dia tengok ig story aku and like pictures aku. aku just taktau kenapa. I feel at ease. bukannya excited ke apa. aku macam rasa he notices my presence. that's all. itu je yang aku nak sebenarnya. tak lebih & tak kurang. tapi after those kind of long conversations, aku jadi macam terindu sikit. I know tak patut but what can I do? tu je yang aku boleh buat. rindu, nangis, teringat conv lama even though dah delete semua.

That's why aku buat blog ni. aku nak semua ni aku simpan untuk diri aku. Biar masa aku besar nanti aku ingat yang aku pernah kena and lalui semua ni so I won't trust guys sangat. Semua ni permainan dunia je. aku happy dengan diri aku sekarang cuma aku nak hati-hati so that aku tak kena main macam ni lagi. I know he's not a bad guy & aku tak marah pun. aku just sedih bila fikir yang aku maafkan dia dengan mudah je.

Being in a serious relationship is something that I really want to avoid. sangat bahaya untuk diri aku. fokus aku boleh terganggu kalau aku ada feelings2 ni so I dont want that. I really don't. dan untuk dia, aku akan selalu doakan kejayaan & to keep him in the right track. insyaAllah he will achieve his success soon.

Takpe I don't mind at all. dia ada life dia sendiri. so I need to keep quiet kalau masih nak sayang dia. that's all. xx

THIRD

That guy already has a girlfriend now and I'm happy for him. so happy that I forgot how to not cry so easily. lol. I am just too jealous of his girlfriend because it's just so unfair. She got to ask what he's doing, is he okay, have he eaten, how is he feeling. I just can't accept the fact that he is someone else's now. But I did my best not to show any feelings towards their relationship.

And a few days ago, he had a fight with his girlfriend so I just pm him to cheer him up. and then, we started a few conversations and I wasn't in my right mind when he said sorry for whatever he did in the past but I was badly wounded to admit that I'm still hurting. and...... I just said it's okay, it's okay, it's okay when it was obviously not and won't be okay.

So... we are quite

 okay now. and we are friends maybe. lol

A few days ago, I saw her gf ig's story. yeap I followed her using my other ig account because I need to see who's my rival. I saw him walking towards her while smiling.
I was like "Ya Allah why does it feel so painful?". But I've learn to be better and feel more okay with the truth. even if it hurts, I'll have to be okay :) and praying will make me feel more calm.

SECOND

Percaya atau tak, it's been 5 years already and I'm still in love with the same guy. The guy that I can't have even if it's at the end of the world. I won't have him. That guy is not perfect but looking at him will make me have butterflies in my stomach. I'm happy to be in love with him even if I can't touch, see and hear, I will always be in love with him. He is one of a kind. No matter what he did, I kept on forgiving him when there are times when I shouldn't even forgive him but what can I do?

I'm just so in love. That I kept on forgetting I should take a good care of my heart also. and rn not having him around makes my heart feel the pain that I've never felt before. 

Why am I in love with him?

I can't answer that question. The only thing I know is, whenever he's around, I feel so happy, glad and relieve. I don't know why. 

My friends have no idea that I still can't move on.

Yup. That's true. I chose to just keep quiet and act like I've moved on and I'm happy now even though I still cry often and I still dream about him often. 

Only Allah knows why I'm still here at the same spot where he left me. alone. without any sympathy :) 

FIRST

So this is my new blog. I've decided to use this blog to post private things that I couldn't tell anyone. I hope this blog will make me feel better by expressing things that I want to express but I have no one to listen to me. Since I'm in a secret tunnel, no one will find me here :)