Hi Azrul, Sofea ni. Sorry sebab buat kau tertanya tanya tadi. Aku ingat macam nak call je sebab lagi senang, tapi untuk elakkan kau rasa uncomfortable, aku text jelah okay. I might regret doing this, but it’s time for me to make peace with the past. Aku dah taknak terperangkap dengan past.
I know the message is too long for you to read. But I seriously hope you'll spend some time to read this because this will be the last time aku akan cakap pasal ni.
Aku tak tahu kenapa aku decide nak cakap semua ni. Tapi aku rasa aku patut cakap semua ni sebab aku betul betul dah tak larat nak pendam semua ni. Sampai sekarang aku macam tak boleh nak lupa apa yang dah jadi. Yes. Benda ni dah lama sangat. Tapi Azrul, pernah tak kau fikir walaupun sekali, apa yang jadi dekat hidup aku after semua yang dah jadi?
Maksud aku, kau rasa aku boleh hidup macam biasa ke, happy? Aku betul betul dah taknak rasa macamni. Tapi hati aku betul betul sakit and rasa kecewa tu macam tak boleh nak hilang and I seriously don't know why. We can't turn back time. Tapi aku betul betul harap boleh putar balik masa. The only thing I wanted to hear from you was "I don't like you. You should just move on". But takde satu pun perkataan tu keluar through your messages😔 And the most selfish thing you've ever made was asking me to wait for you. You gave me false hope Azrul. A lot of it💔.
When I was 13, I fell for you. Hard. And almost the whole form 1 at that time knew who you were. My crush. Lol. Time rehat, masa aku bertugas, I asked a friend of mine to accompany me to go to your class and put chocolates inside your table/bag I think. (I'm sorry for being a freak at that time. I was small and immature). When it's time to go home, after the bell rang, I'll run fast to make sure I walked behind you. I'll giggle and smile while I walk behind you.
Alip knew I like you. A lot.
Everytime we chat on facebook, I'm the happiest person on earth. Masa kau solat jemaah zohor and asar during puasa, dalam lelaki ramai ramai tu, I don't even know why I can clearly see you. You were not exactly this tall during that time. But I can still see you. Time beratur perhimpunan, tak kisah jauh mana pun kau, I can still see you and notice you. And we suddenly stopped chatting.
When I was 14, kau sesi pagi. I was super sad sebab aku tak rasa aku boleh tengok kau dari jauh lagi. But then I found out that you're joining our school's football team as a goalkeeper. After solat asar dekat surau, mesti aku masuk class lambat. Just so that I can watch you sitting around the surau's bench. Watching you is just fine for me. I don't need more. We started chatting again because of me obviously. Still tak move on. Still tak boleh get over you.
When I was 15, I started talking to you again. It seems like it'll take forever for me to move on during this time. Macam mana kasar pun kau dengan aku, I was just there. I don't understand how can I be so stupid. So stupid for still liking you. You're getting taller each day and obviously attracting a lot of girls' attention. Still remember when I found out that a few girls liked you. I was so frustrated. Because I know I won't be able to do anything about it. You wished for my birthday too. And the weird fact is that, whenever I see you, I won't have the courage to speak to you at all. I was just so shy and tak berani langsung.
But during that year, we did talk, we talked a lot through chatting on twitter and whatsapp. And on that year, you told me to wait for you. You could have just told me to move on instead Azrul. Why did you give me false hopes😢. I waited but nothing happened. During that year, I started getting anxiety attacks at night because I cried too much. Do you know what's anxiety attack? Situation yang buat kau rasa kau susah sangat nak bernafas. I didn't know what was that at first. But I did my own research.
When I was 16, that's when we slowly drifted apart. You were living your life and I was living my life too. I still cry every night. I still care but I don't want to force you to be in my life when you don't want to. Suddenly one day, Syamim texted me telling you and alip were involved in an accident. I was shocked and I cried. I prayed for both of you to be safe. Macam nak text kau but I didn't want to bother you. I just waited for Syamim to update me. He told me that both of you were okay. Alhamdulillah.
The next day, I saw you. Kaki kau sebelah injured. Couldn't imagine how it felt. Kesian dekat kau tapi aku cuma boleh tengok je.
Day by day had passed. Masa tu sambutan hari raya kat sekolah. Not sure if you remember this but we did take a photo together. Aku sebenarnya taknak. I'm not that type of person. Tapi memandangkan that year will be the last time aku dapat celebrate hari raya satu tempat dengan kau, aku terpaksa sebab kawan kawan aku paksa. You're going to sit for your big exam soon. Cuma boleh doakan kau dari jauh. Semoga semua baik baik je. I think that's how year 2015 ended? I can't remember much.
When I was 17, During SPM result day, that was the first time I saw you after for so long. Happy gila sebab dah lama sangat tak dapat tengok kau. I think that's it. Seriously aku tak tahu kenapa aku tak ingat sangat. Maybe banyak benda yang aku dah paksa buang dari fikiran aku. Kau masuk politeknik. I wish you well. I think during that year too. Aku dapat tahu kau dah ada gf. Sumpah masa tu aku tersentak and aku tak boleh tidur masa tu. Aku call kawan aku. Aku nangis nangis. Aku decide untuk tak kacau kau langsung sebab kau dah jadi milik orang lain. Aku cuma doakan yang baik baik je dari jauh. Aku focus nak ambik spm that year.
And everything ends for the year 2016.
When I was 18, aku kalau boleh dah taknak kacau kau. Tapi your sad instagram posts made me worry. Aku macam kisah sangat bila kau sedih. Aku macam tak boleh tengok kau sedih. Mesti aku tanya punya. Masa tu kau ada problem so aku cuma nak tahu kenapa dengan kau. I just want to listen to you. And I just want to make you feel better.
Aku geram bila dapat tahu orang sakitkan kau. Dah dapat kau, tapi tak reti jaga kau. Tak reti jaga hati kau. Aku kalau boleh masa tu nak cakap dengan dia, kenapa dia buat macamni dekat kau. Tapi aku ni siapa? No one. Aku tahu bila kau dah rasa better, kau akan hilang lepastu. That's us Azrul. Dari dulu macamtu.
When I was 19, in January aku dekat matriks masa ni. That was the last time aku confess dekat kau untuk kali ke berapa pun aku tak tahu. Aku memang dah decide, kalau kau still macam taknak then aku takkan paksa dah and aku betul betul akan move on. Kau cakap dekat aku, kau takut nak lepaskan aku sebab kau takut in the end I'm the best one for you. Kau ingat benda tu? Kau sedar tak tu sebenarnya ada bagi hope jugak dekat aku?
Tapi aku tahu. Kau cuma cakap je tapi kau tak maksudkan pun. Masa ni aku dah besar sikit. Aku takdelah beria sangat simpan dalam hati. Time aku dah masuk uni, I can't remember how kita boleh termain pubg together. Duo. And then suddenly main squad dengan zharif and hakim. Aku memang dah cuba terima kenyataan dah yang aku dengan kau memang takde harapan.
And this was last 3 years. Time ni aku memang baru start kenal akim. Aku takde niat nak kacau kawan kau langsung. Aku kalau boleh taknak ada kaitan dengan sesiapa pun yang kenal kau. Tapi dah main pubg sama sama kan? So tak boleh la nak elak. 'Ter'kenal jugak dia. Kau ingat tak masa ni kau nak try kenal Iqa? And aku dengan akim masa ni baru sangat so macam belum attached sangat. Best friend aku je tahu aku nangis macam mana sebab aku marah sangat. Sampai hati kau try Iqa? Sedangkan dia kawan aku and sampai hati Iqa buat macamtu dekat aku sedangkan dia tahu dulu aku suka kau. Benda ni tak sama macam situation aku dengan Akim. Aku ni bukan sesiapa dekat kau. I'm not anyone special to you. That's why kau tak kisah. Tapi kau? You're someone who used to be so special to me. That's why it hurts so bad.
Sampai sekarang ada part of myself macam tak boleh nak move on dari sakit tu. Sakit sebab tunggu, sakit sebab harapan palsu, sakit sebab terlampau sayang, and sakit sebab terlampau kecewa. Aku taknak ingat apa apa kenangan dekat sekolah sebab semua kenangan tu ada kau. It's too painful to be remembered.
Reason kenapa aku decide untuk text and bagitahu ni is because, lately ni aku selalu mimpi pasal kau and bila bangun tidur je aku mesti nangis. Sumpah, aku dah tak fikir pasal kau langsung. Tapi disebabkan benda ni, aku dah jadi lemah balik. Aku asyik nangis tak tentu pasal. Sampai aku rasa nak tinggalkan akim sebab aku taknak ada kaitan dengan sesiapa yang kau kenal. Aku nak tinggalkan semua orang. Aku rasa macam hati aku belum sembuh sepenuhnya.
And please answer this question. Sepanjang 6 tahun tu, aku memang betul betul one-sided ke?
Lastly, aku akan doakan kau sentiasa sihat and happy okay. And aku harap kau jumpa the right one. Kalau dah jumpa, good for you. Take care of yourself and goodbye.
