CLOSURE.

Today is a great day. I'm happy to be able to confess. Aku lega sebab dapat terus terang. Sekarang benda ni takkan kacau focus aku untuk study lagi #roadto4flat. Allah loves you and me. That's why this is the fate that I'll have to accept.

Terima kasih sebab lahir dalam dunia ni. Thank you for being you.
Because of you I've learnt a lot of things and aku jadi lagi matang dari dulu. Aku takkan salahkan takdir. Ada sebab semua ni jadi. Ada sebab dulu aku nangis tak berhenti.

Aku harap kalau before kahwin pun, kau jumpa someone yang boleh bukak hati kau balik. insyaAllah akan ada. Jangan pernah menidakkan takdir Allah.

It feels different than years ago. I hope I'll continue being like this.

Lastly,
Goodbye my so-called first love, A.
This will be the last time so I just want to say that I love you but it won't be the same. I'll treat you as a friend only starting from today :)

SEVENTEENTH

I'M GOING TO BE FINE.

After some times, I think I'm starting to understand... Now I know who I am inside your heart. I'm sorry for hoping too much. I'll be fine later. I'll meet someone that will love me wholeheartedly. It's just that.. it's not now.  I hope that guy will be a matured one that knows what he wants and will grab it asap. I won't hold grudges because I know it's not the right thing to do because things won't change. Eventually things will be better sooner or later. You are half okay now. You just need another 2 or 3 years to be okay I guess.

During this journey of mine, I think I've met a lot of people. Those who actually did gave some useful and great advices. Thanks to you guys. I am still strong until today. After I'm okay with all of these things, I'll give people the advices that they might need. 

I want to heal and cure people who's having the same problem as me.  But now is not the right time. Creating a blog is the best decision I've ever made. InsyaAllah I'll be okay soon :) 

SIXTEENTH [FEARS& TEARS]

Wed, 17th January 2018

Hello everyone,

It's already 2018 and I'm trying to be happy but it's hard to do just that. He's back. his heart broken is back. and I'm trying to be there for him. I want him to be happy like he used to be but it will be very hard because he's not okay and he keeps on making things hard for himself. I shouldn't be worried but I'm feeling worried. I know how hard it must be when your love were betrayed. If only you knew how much I love and care for you, I think you'll be very suprise. you thought of me as a good friend but I don't think about you in the same way.

Do you want to know something that's much more pathetic? A lot of things that require me to insert my password, your birthday date are still inside(1/6). I don't know. I just couldn't stop doing it. Things will become more complicated afterwards because we're starting to contact each other every single day using whatsapp. When I'm not there, he'll find me. That's what I'm afraid the most. I'm afraid I might get hurt again.  I clearly knew that he will leave me when he found someone else or when he get back or whatever he just won't be with me. That's the fact that I've been trying to swallow. It's bitter but I'll have to go through it the same way I used to. It will be the most painful and hard experience that I've ever went through. I will remember how much I love you always and I'll remember how much I've been missing you these two years :) It was great knowing you. That's the only thing I know about myself, you and her.

 I  won't forget you Dear A,
my so-called first love :)

FIFTEENTH

Wednesday (20/12/2017) -Currently in Matriculation's Languange Lab

It's currently very windy and it's starting to rain.

And I'm still here missing every pieces of you....

I slipped, fell, cried. screamed but no one came because I was screaming inside my head and  it's kind of hard for me to be honest with my own feelings. People won't be able to understand my heart. Never. But the only thing that I know is that I still got feelings for you and I'm still jealous over the girl. The girl that you love dearly, wholeheartedly. It must be nice to have someone to love you back. It  must be what I've been imagining. I knew it. I knew that it would be very hard for you to start a new life without her so you will go back and forth like what i used to do. 

Today I'm still in love the same person because it had never ended at all. I'm doing what I can to move on but it's hard but my friend said I didn't even want to move on that's why it's hard. that's why it's complicated, difficult. I'm still breathing and I'm very grateful but there's nothing I can do because my feelings are eternal and very pure. It's hard to just dump it in the sea. I love you with all my heart but I didn;t expect to get anything in return. I know how it feels to be so broken hearted because it's nice to be able to reminisce that sadness.

FOURTEENTH

I'm sorry dear heart. I might have to let you break & bleed again. It's just too hard to ignore him. I am still in love with this guy. He's way too special for me to forget about. I care about everything he does. I thought things will eventually be okay by themselves but I was wrong. I can't just move on if my heart doesn't want it to be that way.

I wish I could be stronger. I actually understand that I'm the one who doesn't want to move on. he won't fall for me & won't see my love for him. It's big & sincere. It's too much for him to take. Because I love him too much.

THIRTEENTH

We tend to keep a lot of things inside. Same goes to me. I couldn't express everything when i should have. 


So he is single now. But I know deep inside he's still hurting and missing the girl. I will never get to fill in her spot and I have never feel like filling in. It's just that I care about what he feels. I don't want him to be frustrated. I hope he'll find a girl who'll make him happy & I hope he'll achieve his success soon. insyaAllah.

May Allah bless you always, M.A.A


Sincerely,
someone who won't stop taking care of you from afar :)

TWELFTH

Hi there,

i'm currently at the hotel waiting for my mum & dad. I feel like posting something.
so ya, he said he's going to meet her at the poli. I was shocked but I tried to act cool by saying "have fun" when I didn't mean what I said at all. i'm just too sad these few days because I think I'm putting on hope again when I know. I KNOW I shouldn't do that. but ya as u guys know, it's me. bila pasal that guy aku boleh jadi sebodoh yang aku mampu. sampai kawan2 aku dah start letih tengok aku macamni. I know babe no worries. I can handle the heartbreak by myself & u guys shouldn't worry about me bcs this is what I want.

Like I said, i'm only giving myself one whole week to rethink and stop myself from doing this whole thing.

bye.